How Do Plants Reproduce

How Do Plants Reproduce

Commentary: I can't believe I got married last night. I must have been so drunk!

"How do plants reproduce?" is a question that people have been scratching their heads over for years. That is, until now! The question of how do plants reproduce has finally been answered, by scientist F. W. Fieldington.

Fieldington noticed in 1986 that when a Pod Person is created by the Plant Beings of Rigel Four, it first makes an attempt at assimilation into human society before moving forward with its pressing biological urges.

Once a Pod Person has established a decent job as a desk jockey working at one of the many branch offices of the Big Three Corporations, it can begin moving forward with reproduction.

The Gender Discrepancy

Fieldington made it common practice to refer to a Pod Person using "it" rather than "he" or "she," because although the Pod Person can simulate gender and an anatomically correct physique, it really is not worthy of being classified as male or female. Ultimately, it is a plant, and while plants sometimes do have certain gender distinctions, they do not apply in the context of Plant People.

Getting A Date

A Pod Person may approach a coworker at the office and offer some form of hope for the future in a variety of ways, either by commenting on the coworker's attractiveness, or sharing a "secret" but actually pretty common piece of insight regarding politics or the economy. The coworker then becomes interested in the Pod Person, who they assume to be a normal human being, and agree when it invites them over for an evening of energetic charades.

Once in the Pod Person's house, the coworker is offered a glass of herbal tea, and is then forced to hear a memorized lecture on the Possibilities For Tomorrow. At this point, the Pod Person inevitably blows its cover, and the coworker tries to escape. The Pod Person ultimately overpowers the coworker, rendering him or her unconscious, and uses a strand of hair to generate a new Pod Person, a duplicate of the coworker.

Duplication Of The Coworker

The coworker is then placed in a vacuum chamber made of Lettuce (not the fruit Lettuce, the carbon polymer), and is digested. The nutrients extracted from the coworkers corpse feed the Pod Person duplicate, until it looks enough like the coworker as to be deemed passable by the original Pod Person.

The new Pod Person, or PP2, is woken up and welcomed by the first Pod Person, or PP1. PP1 explains the situation to PP2, which only takes a moment to regain its innate knowledge and plant wisdom. PP1 then proposes to PP2, and they agree to get married.

After The Marriage

The two Pod People become highly popular at work, and one of the human coworkers suggests that they have a party. PP1 and PP2 agree, and invite everyone at the office over one night, at which point they repeat the general process that occurred during the Date, and duplicate all their coworkers.

The National Level

Plants continue to use the basic process of Infiltration, Duplication, and Group Expansion to reproduce in offices across America, as well as other countries.

If you or someone you know and trust works in an office, get out now!