How To Get Free Cable TV

How To Get Free Cable TV

Commentary: The new Washable Television comes with a year's worth of cable, plus hose, water, plants, and only needs to be rinsed three times per day (or seven, for heavy channel surfers).

The original How To Get Free Cable TV: A Consumer's Guide became a national bestseller overnight when it first hit shelves back in the summer of '69. In '72, it was banned by the Fascist Federalis Goon Squad, hoping to put the kibosh on free cable for good.

In '73, all copies of How To Get Free Cable TV were confiscated and burned, and the matter was finally settled.

Or was it?

In 1999, a mysterious man in black who some say called himself Neo was said to have discovered a means by which any average individual could obtain free cable television. News of his breakthrough traveled quickly, until virtually every citizen was constantly on the lookout for someone resembling the fabled Neo.

One day, average guy Joe Average happened to be making a phone call on a street corner when all of a sudden, his phone was grabbed right out of his hand! Glancing up, he could see that the thief was actually Neo, Master Thief of Cable TV! Joe Average pointed furiously over and over, trying to communicate through gesture what he could not convey with words -- that the Man with a Plan, the One who had all the answers, was close by, but quickly escaping.

Unfortunately, Neo got away.

But not before creating a ripple effect that would spread across the nation. Joe Average took his story of what almost happened, what might have been, and went on tour. He delivered speech after speech about what it was like to practically have the secret of how to get free cable TV in the palm of his hands, only to see it hop on a bus for Cairo.

Needless to say, Average wrote a book about his experience dealing with hope and loss, and it quickly rose to the middle of the Top Ten Thousand list as published daily in the New York Times.

Meanwhile, Neo went underground, teaching as many coherent individuals as he could find living in the gutter that in order to get free cable TV, all they had to do was believe they could.

Neo's explanation had something to do with the true nature of reality, how space and time were curved like a spoon he once had, and how a strong enough belief in anything will make it so.

The few who didn't write his methods off as pointless or ineffectual were able to turn their lives around, and today enjoy cushy jobs as executives for Big Oil and the Iraq War Company. As for the rest of the public, they're still looking for a "real" solution to how to get free cable TV.