New For Infants

New For Infants

Commentary: Rolling Rock recently hopped on the bandwagon of the New For Infants movement, with their latest product, Baby Beer. This photograph is part of their yet-to-be released ad campaign, and should be seen on billboards everywhere in a few short months. Possible delays could make those few months longer.

The New For Infants movement is a powerful new marketing strategy that has been dramatically increasing in popularity in recent months.

In 1999, Apple creator Steve Jobs was a recovering alcoholic, looking to turn his life around. The common practice of referring to certain prostitutional acts as Steve Jobs just irked him to no end, and finally breaking down, Jobs hit the bottle big-time.

Bursting The Bubble

In 2000, with the Dot Com Crash, Jobs believed that the future no longer lay in technology or the internet, but rather in new forms of marketing. Jobs was so confident in his new way of thinking that he quit drinking cold turkey and got sober.

On the night of March 13, 2000, Jobs was standing on a toilet seat, hanging a clock in his bathroom. The toilet had recently been re-waxed, and wasn't providing the best of traction. Jobs slipped, hit his head, and was knocked unconscious.

Inspiration Via Hallucination

When Jobs awoke, he had a vision, a picture in his head. He saw an infant smiling, laughing, and wearing a pair of Ray-Ban Sunglasses. He heard a seductive woman saying, "New For Infants." It was at that moment that Jobs began to go into convulsions of the religious, ecstatic sort.

Forty-three hours later, Jobs arose from the immense mouth-foam puddle that had built up during his nearly two-day seizure, and cleaned himself up. Then he went to the library.

The Manifesto

After seven hours of research and writing, Jobs had produced his single page Marketing Manifesto. Incidentally, it is now required reading for all students attending Harvard Business School.

Manifesto in hand, Jobs began walking down the street, waiting for lighting to strike a second time. It did. Jobs saw a newspaper stand, and bought a paper. Flipping through the classifieds, he noticed that a small business owner was advertising that his shop and trademark were for sale. The business was a fruit stand called Apple, inc. Jobs decided he needed that stand.

Beginnings of Apple

Upon visiting the owner of Apple, Jobs learned that the asking price for stand, trademark, and baseball cap was just five dollars. Since Jobs was the first one to ask, he was able to get a deal that anyone else might have jumped at. Out of ignorance the masses lost, and Jobs won.

With his new fruit stand, he began to put his plan into action. He quickly registered the trademark on the phrase, "New For Infants," as well as Secure in the knowledge that his idea was protected, he began labeling the all the fruit in his stand with stickers that displayed his, "New For Infants" message.

New For Infants Takes Off

Young mothers, when shopping for fruit, were struck with the idea that, "Maybe baby would like some..." They ended up buying five times as much fruit as they'd originally intended. This effect was multiplicative, and each time they returned, they'd buy five times as much as before. Within three weeks, Jobs was a millionaire.

Jobs' Continued Success

It was at this point that Jobs expanded his Apple stand to become an internationally recognized company, specializing in selling all kinds of products, with an emphasis on infants. The "New For Infants" movement motivated Jobs to buy up as many companies as possible, in order to change their marketing strategy and maximize profits. Rolling Rock was to be his first test case, but circumstances prevented his acquiring of the company until just recently. However, the "New For Infants" movement has proven so successful that Jobs no longer has anything to worry about.

Except the continued dirty usage of the phrase "Steve Jobs."