Plant Or Animal Or Human Quarantine Or Outbreak

Plant Or Animal Or Human Quarantine Or Outbreak

Commentary: Hey man, if you can hold it in, don't break wind. I think I'm gonna barf.

Plant Or Animal Or Human Quarantine Or Outbreak: The Investigation.

This report was originally commissioned by the CIA in 1989. It was thoroughly rewritten because of a government law the prohibits the stagnation of intelligence. However, the truths outlined herein are still correct, and the only thing that the newer, still-classified report has as a difference is the timing of completion.

The original Plant Or Animal Or Human Quarantine Or Outbreak report contained seven sections, which will be briefly covered here.

Plant Quarantine

If a disease or condition were to suddenly appear, threatening all forms of plant life, then the afflicted plants would be put under quarantine until such time as the condition could be reversed. If this could not be accomplished, the quarantine area would be destroyed by fire.

Plant Outbreak

If a quarantine had been put into effect, and the condition somehow managed to spread beyond the outer limits of the cordoned area, mass evacuations would be put into effect. An escape window of 2 hours (maximum) would be established, after which point all remaining civilians would become quarantined.

Animal Quarantine

Any group of animals showing signs of rapidly progressive illness would be put under quarantine until such time as their condition could either be corrected by means of a cure, or carpet bombing.

Animal Outbreak

If a quarantine had been put into effect, and the condition still spread beyond the outer edges, the locality would be evacuated, and subsequently nuked.

Human Quarantine

See above, with humans in mind.

Human Outbreak

This was Tony Danza's hit single in 1993. It earned him a Platinum Record.

The Future

It is the conclusion of this report that on or before December 21, 2012, a plant or animal or human quarantine or outbreak will occur, everywhere, simultaneously.

It has been recommended to the highest levels of government that as this situation is inevitable, we might as well not worry about global warming or the threat of nuclear war. Indeed, what better way to go out than in a blaze of glory?!