What Do Grasshoppers Eat

What Do Grasshoppers Eat

Commentary: Damn it, I said get back, or I'm gonna punch you, ya freakin' paparazzo!

Ever since the President first asked his people, "What do grasshoppers eat?" back in 1969, and he couldn't get a definitive answer, the grasshopper issue has been of paramount importance.

Scientists first went to work at solving the problem of what do grasshoppers eat in July of '69, after it was determined that nobody knew, and that they used to know. The going theory at the time was that a sort of hysterical amnesia had swept across the planet, blanking out that tiny fragment of mental clarity in each of the minds of people who used to know the answer.

The investigation took a two-speared approach. First, scientists needed to decode precisely why everybody had forgotten. And second, they had to find the what. Just what do grasshoppers eat?

In the summer of 1974, a major breakthrough came when Sam Beckett, inhabiting the body of Carl Jr., went through the scientific motions in order to reveal what he and his cohorts of the future already knew. That aliens were to blame.

But this wasn't just any alien. This was a presence that man had long grown accustomed to seeing and interacting with. Or so he thought.

The truth that was revealed let everybody in on the secret that grasshoppers are actually from the moon, and have only been living here on earth for the past 80 or so years. Most people typically believe that grasshoppers have been around, "Like, forever man," but this is not the case.

In order to establish a calm, peaceful relationship with humanity, the tiny creatures used chemical warfare to overstimulate certain areas of the human mind, causing brain cells to atrophy, and memories of the truth and how to think logically to fade.

Consequentially, people forgot to question the presence of the new insects, until they took for granted that they had always been there.

With issue number 1 out of the way, scientists were finally able to put all their efforts into establishing what exactly grasshoppers consume for food.

The answer may shock you. If a sensitive loved one or child is with you reading this, you may wish to cover their eyes for the brief moments during which you read the next two paragraphs. That way, when you're finished reading and uncover their eyes, they won't be able to see it. Ready? Ok.

Grasshoppers eat people. Every time a person disappears, a missing persons report is filed, and no progress is made, it's because they were eaten by grasshoppers. Every time a homeless hippy is dragged off the streets by police officers and never is seen to return, it's because that hippy was fed to grasshoppers. Every time you let your guard down, you put you and your children at risk of being eaten -- by grasshoppers!

Take heed, fellow citizen. The age of enlightenment has arrived. Stock up on pesticides, for the war is at hand. Let the reign of terror end, and a new Age of Freedom begin. Death to the Man-Eating Grasshoppers!