What Do Snails Eat

What Do Snails Eat

Commentary: Ollie Optimistic, the friendly snail, had his girlfriend take this picture to advertise his house on the internet. Hit hard by the housing crisis, Ollie had hoped to escape his mortgage with a quick online sale. Unfortunately, no buyers made themselves known, and Ollie went bankrupt. Inevitably, his girlfriend left him. That's when Ollie finally decided to join the Primary Cause.

"What Do Snails Eat?" is the type of question a child might ask with wide-eyed interest, but they can never know the truth. For a child to find out the horrible secret would be damaging beyond comprehension. They'd be psychologically scarred for life.

The Truth

Snails are parasitic organisms from Mars, sent here to inhabit host bodies and dictate their lives. The Primary Cause of the Snail Movement is to harvest human souls, which the snails use to feed their children on their home world.

That's right, the answer to, "What do snails eat?" is human souls.

To be sure, the souls are really like baby food for snails. Most infants do enjoy the taste and texture, as well as easy digestion a human soul meal provides, but some older snails occasionally partake as well.

Preparing The Souls For Harvest

Once a human host has been infected by a snail inhabitant, the snail changes the course of the human's life to become more spiritual. The human is forced into weeks of fasting and prayer, which are followed by years of religious study and intensive meditation.

When the human host reaches a certain level of spiritual growth, they achieve a stronger relationship between their physical and spiritual selves. When this union reaches its highest peak, the snail inhabitant attaches itself to the human's soul, breaking it up into its smallest components, siphoning them off, and transporting it to the nearest Soul Storage Facility.

A Brief History of Snails

Thousands of years ago, the Martian Snail population was dwindling. A mass exodus had taken place, led by Jesus, whereby all the human inhabitants of Mars migrated to Earth. A handful of snails smuggled themselves aboard the ships, but upon arriving at their final destination, they found they could not breathe Earth's atmosphere, and quickly died off.

However, there remained an unknown snail hidden in the brain of on of the human escapees. This snail directed its host human to dedicate generations of effort toward developing teleportation technology.

Birth of the Primary Cause

The snail's efforts finally paid off, and while inhabiting one of the descendants of the original human host, it sent a test sample of earth's atmosphere back to Mars. By this time, most of the original snail population had died off, and the few remaining leaders declared that from that point onward, the Primary Cause of snail existence would be to subdue and control humanity.

Fulfilling Snail Destiny

Using the sample of Earth's atmosphere, the snails on Mars were able to alter their bodies to become compatible with living in an Earthly environment. Once this was accomplished the snail on earth, newly appointed as Prime Snail, helped teleport the entire male sector of the snail population over from Mars. The snail children were too fragile to be teleported, and the snail mothers opted to stay behind.

Taking up the Primary Cause, the Snail Men on earth began to pursue humanity and all the delicious souls contained therein.