What Is An Oriental Massage Parlor

What Is An Oriental Massage Parlor

Commentary: This parlor showcases the newly pioneered Vertical Massage Technique. The customers stand against a vertical bed, while the masseuses use magnetic boots and nearly invisible wires to maintain the proper perpendicular relationship with their clientele.

In April of 2008, President Bush held a press conference primarily to ask the question, "What is an oriental massage parlor?" This inquiry followed a period during which his closest aids and assistants did not dare instruct the President in an area with which, they felt, he was already familiar.

During the course of the press conference, it was revealed that Bush was indeed being rhetorical in his query, having some other purpose other than personal elucidation.

To what end was the press conference held?

Collectively asking the handful of top-notch reporters, as well as the general populous, the seemingly simple question of "What is an oriental massage parlor," Bush was somehow communicating a deeper, hidden message.

Private organizations nationwide, and possible others abroad, immediately went to work trying to decode what they felt had to be a hidden message from the Commander In Chief, concerning possibly the issues of terrorism and the global economy.

Indeed, not since the Cold War had such a powerful effort been set into motion to decode a secret message that was largely unrecognized as being anything other than innocuous.

Benny Goodman, the inventor of the Electric Coaster, had been on vacation when his apprentice notified him that what he had prophesied over nineteen years ago had finally come to pass. Operation Oriental Massage had finally been put into effect.

It was obvious to some that Bush was simply further cementing himself as an old-school hipster, what with his usage of "Oriental" and all. In fact, some even went so far as to criticize his remarks at the press conference as racist.

But Benny Goodman knew better.

Goodman first went to work solving the most obvious problem with Operation O-M, a problem that had been completely overlooked by the public, as well as nearly all of the investigative groups working to decode Bush's message.

Goodman knew that the first step was to answer the question as if it were really asking nothing more than, "What is an oriental massage parlor?" No tricks, no secret meanings. Not yet.

Benny already knew the answer to the question. In fact, Bush himself had even explained in an off-the-cuff remark a few years back that, "An oriental massage parlor is a place where you go to get a massage. An oriental massage."

Goodman then took the question and looked at it from a different angle. He tried forty-five degrees.

Then he realized that the first and last letters of each word were part of an anagram.

The first letters were: W I A O M P

The last letters were: T S N L E R

Rearranged, all the letters create the message: I LEARN STOMP, W

Goodman realized that George Bush had signed his message as W, or Dubya, and that Bush in earnest wanted to resign from the Presidency in order to join the legendary Stomp dance troupe.

The people, desperate for a solution to Global Cooling and Overflowing Oil Reservoirs, simply wouldn't allow their beloved Dubya to resign.

Waiting until January 20, 2009, Bush continues to look forward with enthusiasm and hope to a time when he can learn the art of Stomp.